Raising Drug-Free Teenagers

Insights from therapist Laurie Wilmot, LCSW

Teenagers have to sift through a barrage of information from dozens of sources each day - friends, kids at school, television, magazines, movies, teachers, and so on. As parents, you may only be two people in that legion of influences, but your opinions and actions matter more than all of the others combined. Like any parent, one of your priorities is keeping your child away from drugs and alcohol. Knowing the destructive path substance abuse can take, you are willing to do whatever it takes to protect your child's future.

Laurie Wilmot, LCSW, is a therapist at a therapeutic wilderness program for troubled teens, who has worked with adolescents with drug or alcohol problems for years. She offers the following guidance to parents for raising drug-free teens.

Talk to Your Child Without Lecturing
Communication is essential for healthy relationships, especially between parents and teens. Many parents think they communicate well with their child because they've asked all of the right questions and heard all of the right answers. But Laurie Wilmot says the quality, content, and timing of the communication is critical. "Don't bring up behavioral issues during family fun time," she advises. "Weekly or monthly family meetings are the best time and place to address important topics."

Because teens have a short attention span, particularly when it comes to parents, Wilmot recommends talking to teens about hot topics in 10 words or less. "When you go over 10 words, the conversation frequently turns into lecturing and teens instantly tune out," says Wilmot. "Ask your child questions and let him do most of the talking. Show him you care and are interested in his life by inquiring about his day, what his friends are doing, and how he's coping with tough situations."

Wilmot also advises "questioning teens into a corner," using a tactic similar to the Socratic method. Rather than lecturing, ask leading questions that guide teens to find the right answers on their own. For example, parents can start by asking a few questions about their child's friends, such as "Do you have any friends you're worried about? What are your concerns? What would you do in that situation? What do you think you can do to help? This way, instead of commanding your child to avoid drugs and alcohol, you can creatively approach the topic from a different direction than your child expects. When you catch them off guard, they are more likely to listen and answer questions honestly.

Every Action Has a Consequence
Children need to know that there are consequences for their actions, according to Wilmot. "If a teen comes home drunk or skips class, she should know her behavior was inappropriate, know that some sort of disciplinary action is merited, and the parent must follow through," says Wilmot.

When setting rules and boundaries, Wilmot believes parents tend to be too general. They say, "Be responsible" or "Make good choices" or "Don't do anything foolish," but the child doesn't necessarily know what that means. Next time you tell your teen to be responsible, Wilmot counsels, explain what you mean. Say, "If you make a mistake, the responsible thing is to call us for help" or "If you drink, don't drive."

The same rules are true in basic, daily interactions with your teen. If the conversation has become heated or argumentative, and you commit to walking away and finishing the conversation later, don't let your child lure you back into the conversation, counsels Wilmot. "When you give in, you send mix messages, which in 'teen' translates into all consequences and boundaries are up for debate."

Similarly, if your child is acting up in the car, give her a warning and then pull over. "Make enforceable statements, using the following structure: If you don't stop 'x' behavior, I'll do 'y' disciplinary action. And then follow through," advises Wilmot.

It may also be helpful to remind teens of the legal implications of some of their behaviors. Even if your child isn't engaged in illegal activities himself, in many cases he could still be arrested and charged for being a party to a crime. Without reliable witnesses, it can be hard for police to determine who is involved in activities like tagging, underage drinking parties, and so on.

If you find yourself in a difficult situation - for example, your teen has been arrested and taken into custody - Wilmot recommends that parents let their teen spend one night in jail. "Let them experience the consequences of their actions," states Wilmot. Once the immediate crisis is over, and your child has returned home or the argument has simmered down, talk about the issue and decide on any additional consequences.

Don't Be Afraid to Say No
Too many parents engage in what Wilmot calls "guilty parenting." They feel like bad parents because they work too much, have divorced, or didn't give their child everything they needed growing up. To compensate, they give in to every demand, ignore problem behaviors, and are afraid to say no.

Instead of reinforcing their desire for instant gratification, Wilmot encourages parents to respond to children's requests by saying, "I'll think about it," and then talking it over in private with the other parent. This way, both sides present a united front when granting or refusing permission to do some desired activity.

Parents are rarely aware of the good things their child is doing because they are often focused on identifying and punishing the bad. Wilmot recommends that parents create a privilege system in which teens earn rewards for good behavior and lose privileges for negative behavior. For example, parents may allow their child to go to a party on Friday night if she does all of her chores throughout the week.

"When parents set limits and encourage their children to ask for permission well in advance of scheduled events or outings, the system is clearly laid out and teens know what to expect, which makes them feel that life is stable and predictable," says Wilmot.

Understand Their Motivation
Teens use drugs because they get some sort of pay-off, whether getting high helps them fit in, gives them confidence to approach the opposite sex, or helps them escape their problems, explains Wilmot. Using or selling drugs makes teens feel like others like, need, and want them around. When they feel judged by their family and more accepted by their peer group, the peer group has greater influence. The more informed you are as a parent, the more your teen will respect and listen to you.

"If your child comes home drunk, find out why they drank so much and help them read their body's cues for when they've had enough. Rather than reacting to the presenting behavior, like a child who drinks too much or cuts herself, find out the underlying reasons for those behaviors. Are they numbing emotional pain, or binge drinking to fit in with peers, or possibly trying to get your attention?" questions Wilmot.

Teens, like adults, seek validation. Acknowledging and validating the reasons behind teen behaviors is not the same as agreeing with their choices. "You can understand that a teen enjoys drinking or feels accepted by their drug-abusing peer group without criticizing or making a personal judgment," states Wilmot. "By opening up a calm, understanding conversation, you are then in a position to help redirect those behaviors to more constructive alternatives that have fewer negative consequences."

Harm Reduction
Parents understandably want their children to be perfect, to avoid all potential pitfalls, and to live happy, well-adjusted lives. But sometimes, it's better for your child to be safe than perfect. In situations when a child is using drugs or alcohol despite a parent's best attempts at raising a drug-free teen, parents may need to switch from drug-prevention mode to harm-reduction mode.

For example, it may not be ideal that your child is having sex, but is she using contraception? It may not be ideal that your child is drinking or smoking marijuana, but did he call for a ride home? Was she wise enough and secure enough in her relationship with you, her parent, to call for a ride rather than drink and drive? A wise parent will congratulate their child for knowing how to be safe and responsible, followed the next day when everyone is rested, sober, and clear-headed by a discussion of enforceable consequences.

From Wilmot's perspective, teens almost inevitably act out and make some mistakes. The most important thing parents can do is create an ongoing dialogue so their child feels comfortable presenting issues or questions to them at any time. If the situation becomes unmanageable, know when to turn to the professionals for help. Therapeutic wilderness programs have helped thousands of families get through the difficult teenage years.

"Parenting is the hardest job in the world," says Wilmot, "but your children desperately need you to do what's right for them in the long run, even if they despise you for it today."

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